Sirach, Chapter 15, Verse 1
Whoever fears the LORD will
do this; whoever is practiced in the Law will come to Wisdom.
Practiced in the law means to follow the commandment of God and the
commandment of God is love. Your freedom is a gift from God but with it comes
human responsibility. God, who sees everything, is neither the cause nor the
occasion of sin. We have the power to choose our behavior and we are
responsible for both the good and the evil we do.
Deceivers
are those who hold the Lord responsible for their sins.
We can choose to harm or
we can choose to heal.
As the former Archbishop of Cape Town, Tutu became a
leading human rights advocate who has championed causes such as poverty,
racism, homophobia, sexism, HIV/AIDS and war. He received the Nobel Peace Prize
in 1989 and the U.S. Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009. In his newest
work, The Book of Forgiving (co-authored with his daughter,
Mpho Tutu), he offers four steps to forgiving and healing:
1.
Telling
the Story
2.
Naming
the Hurt
3.
Granting
Forgiveness
4.
Renewing
or Releasing the Relationship
Here, we discuss this process, how his experiences with
apartheid relate to it, and how he answers those who’ve criticized it.
Your first step to forgiveness and healing is to
“admit the wrong and acknowledge the harm.” Doesn’t that just dredge up old pain? For both the
offender and the victim, the pain is there, often unacknowledged and that is
when it can cause harm through festering. When I ignore a physical wound, it
does not go away. No, it festers and goes bad. It may be
initially painful to open up a wound, but then it can be cleaned out and
cauterized. And you can pour a healing balm.
Another step you list is “asking for…and
granting forgiveness.” How do you forgive someone
who doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong? That is a
very important issue. If forgiving depended on the
culprit owning up, then the victim would always be at the mercy of the
perpetrator. The victim would be bound in the shackles
of victimhood. That is why forgiving is a gift to the forgiver as well as
to the perpetrator. As the victim, you offer the gift of your forgiving to the
perpetrator who may or may not appropriate the gift but it has been offered and
thereby it liberates the victim. Jesus prayed that His Father should forgive
the men who were nailing Him to the cross even as they were doing so; He even
found an excuse for them and so really offered His forgiveness thereby. He did
not wait until they asked for His forgiveness. Of course, it would have been
far better if they had been penitent and asked for His forgiveness. It was a
gift He was giving to Himself as well, which released Him from being filled
with self pity, an unhealthy psychological state. It would be grossly unfair to
the victim to be dependent on the whim of the perpetrator. It would make him or
her a victim twice over. The gift has been given. It is up to the intended recipient
to appropriate it. The outside air is fresh and invigorating and it is always
there. If you are in a dank and stuffy room you can enjoy that fresh air
if you open the windows. It is up to you.
RNS: In a post entitled, “Why Desmond Tutu is
Wrong,” Lesley Leyland Fields suggests that your notion that we forgive “for
ourselves” is “killing biblical forgiveness.” She says, “Biblical forgiveness
is a gift first to the offender and to Christ.” How do you respond? I
have already pointed how it is important, very important to give oneself that
gift, of letting go of resentment and anger which diminish oneself. The self is
quite important in who we are. Jesus quoting the Torah answers the question,
“Which is the greatest law?” by saying, “The first is Thou shalt love The Lord
thy God with all….” And then He adds, “The second is, Thou shalt love thy
neighbor as thyself”. That is the highest approbation one can hope for about a
proper self-love. We know the havoc that has been caused by those with a feeble
self image, weak self esteem. They will usually throw their weight around
trying to fill the hollow inside them. Offering forgiveness prevents us from
being destroyed by a corrosive resentment. It helps us grow in being
magnanimous.
RNS: Fields also says that Biblical forgiveness
is “not about letting go of the past, but about redeeming the past. If
“redeeming the past” means “not allowing the past to haunt you, to have a
stranglehold on you” then I’m happy to let her use her phrase.
RNS: You mention that sometimes the final step
is “releasing” rather than “renewing” the relationship. How do you know which
is the right path? There are the fairly obvious ones: an abusive
relationship should be easy to identify though often one of the most
difficult to end; or one where you are likely to be misled into risky
behavior–like excessive drinking, experimenting with dangerous substances,
etcetera. But there are other more subtle ones such as friendships that can
lead to infidelity and other things.. In the end, we know the relationships we
should end.[1]
Catechism
of the Catholic Church
III. THE LOVE OF HUSBAND AND WIFE
2360 Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In
marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of
spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by
the sacrament.
2361 "Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one
another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not
something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human
person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an
integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to
one another until death. Tobias got out of bed and said to Sarah, "Sister,
get up, and let us pray and implore our Lord that he grant us mercy and
safety." So she got up, and they began to pray and implore that they might
be kept safe. Tobias began by saying, "Blessed are you, O God of our
fathers. You made Adam, and for him you made his wife Eve as a helper and
support. From the two of them the race of mankind has sprung. You said, 'It is
not good that the man should be alone; let us make a helper for him like
himself.' I now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with
sincerity. Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old
together." And they both said, "Amen, Amen." Then they went to
sleep for the night.
2362 "The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of
the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of
these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy
and gratitude." Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure: The Creator
himself established that in the [generative] function, spouses should
experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do
nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the
Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to
keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.
2363 The spouses' union achieves the twofold end of marriage: the good of
the spouses themselves and the transmission of life. These two meanings or
values of marriage cannot be separated without altering the couple's spiritual
life and compromising the goods of marriage and the future of the family.
The conjugal love of man and woman thus
stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and fecundity (faithful &
fruitful).
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