...living the truth in love, we should grow in every way into him who is the head, Christ..
Romans,
Chapter 5, Verse 8
But God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.
Christ out of pure love
frees us from the shame of not being right with God in this He gives us a new
life and peace with God the Father. Christ by His works brings us refreshment
from the filth of our lives by giving us (1) confidence, (2) peace and (3)
eternal life via the sacrifice of the Eucharist. He did this even though we
failed to bear good fruit and fostered sin not living up to the Fathers vision
for us.[1]
Via Christ's selfless act we can now talk to God; now if we could only
listen in return.
Talk
is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love. Our ways of
asking, and responding to questions, the tone we use, our timing and any number
of other factors form how well we communicate. We need to develop certain attitudes
that express love and encourage authentic dialogue.
1.
Take
time, quality time. This means being ready to listen patiently and attentively
to everything the other person wants to say. It requires the self-discipline of
not speaking until the time is right. Instead of offering an opinion or advice,
we need to be sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say.
This means promoting an interior silence that makes it possible to Listen to the other
person without mental or emotional
distractions. Do not be rushed, put aside all of your own needs and worries,
and make space. Often the other spouse does not need a solution to his or her
problems, but simply to be heard, to feel that someone has acknowledge their
pain, their disappointment, their fear,
their anger, their hopes and their dreams. How often we hear complaints like:
“He does not listen to me.” “Even when you seem to, you are really doing
something else.” “I talk to her and I feel like she can’t wait for me to
finish.” “When I speak to her, she tries to change the subject, or she gives me
curt responses to end the conversation”.
2.
Develop
the habit of giving real importance
to the other person. This means appreciating them and recognizing their right
to exist, to think as they do and to be happy. Never downplay what they say or
think, even if you need to express your own point of view. Everyone has
something to contribute, because they have their life experiences, they look at
things from a different standpoint and they have their own concerns, abilities
and insights. We ought to be able to acknowledge the other person’s truth, the
value of his or her deepest concerns, and what it is that they are trying to
communicate, however aggressively. We have to put ourselves in their shoes and
try to peer into their hearts, to perceive their deepest concerns and to take
them as a point of departure for further discussion.
3.
Keep
an open mind. Don’t get bogged down in your own limited ideas and opinions, but
be prepared to change or expand them. The combination of two different ways of
thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both. The unity that we seek is
not uniformity, but a “unity in diversity”,
or “reconciled diversity”. Fraternal communion is enriched by respect and
appreciation for differences within an overall perspective that advances the
common good. We need to free ourselves from feeling that we all have to be
alike. A certain astuteness is also needed to prevent the appearance of
“static” that can interfere with the process of interchange. For example, if
hard feelings start to emerge, they should be dealt with sensitively, lest they
interrupt the dynamic of dialogue. The ability to say what one is thinking
without offending the other person is important.
Words should be carefully chosen so as not to offend, especially when
discussing difficult issues. Making a point should never involve venting anger
and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves to hurt, ridicule, accuse
and offend others. Many disagreements between couples are not about important things. Mostly they are about
trivial matters. What alters the mood, however, is the way things are said or
the attitude with which they are said.
4.
Show
affection and concern for the other person. Love surmounts even the worst
barriers. When we love someone, or when we feel loved by them, we can better
understand what they are trying to communicate. Fearing the other person as a kind of “rival” is a sign of weakness
and needs to be overcome. It is very important
to base one’s position on solid choices, beliefs or values, and not on the need
to win an argument or to be proved right.
5.
Finally,
let us acknowledge that for a worthwhile dialogue we have to have something to
say. This can only be the fruit of an interior richness nourished by reading,
personal reflection, prayer and openness to the world around us. Otherwise,
conversations become boring and trivial. When neither of the spouses works at
this, and has little real contact with other people, family life becomes
stifling and dialogue impoverished.
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