ST. IGNATIUS OF ANTIOCH-FORGIVE AN EX DAY
Job, Chapter 11,
Verse 15
Surely then you may
lift up your face in innocence; you may stand firm and unafraid.
Now Jobs other
friend speaks saying that “If iniquity is in your hand, remove it, and do not
let injustice dwell in your tent” then you may be unafraid. Yet, Job has not
been immoral he hates his life and what is happening to him.
·
Job
continues his bumming out session, asking God why he would oppress the people
who love him. Doesn't really seem like a good business model.
·
Time
for more thoughts from the peanut gallery.
·
Zophar
says that Job must have done
something wrong; God is unfathomable, sure, but he always punishes people less
than they deserve.
·
Some
friend.
Life is hard and
tough and painful at times. That doesn’t mean it can’t change. Life goes
through ebbs and flows all the time and the key to getting through it all
without cutting off your social circle and eating your local grocery store out
of Ben & Jerry’s, is to cultivate some techniques and methods of going
through life with some stability and grace. It’s not a guarantee against life’s
hardships but take the steps you want to use, and you won’t dislike life.
Step 1) Get
plenty of sleep.
Seriously, you’re
obviously going to be grouchy as hell and more inclined towards the more
miserable side, if you’re not getting your recommended seven or more hours of
sleep a night. Start checking in how much you sleep and then start making steps
to go to bed earlier and sleep for longer. It might cure every problem but at
least you’ll be well-rested and less likely to nap throughout the day. If you are
having trouble getting to sleep; try eating right.
Step 2) Eat
healthily.
Eating a lot
healthier improves mood and makes you feel better.
Step 3) Write it
all down.
Sometimes the
best thing you can do is let it all out. Keeping things that are making you
hate life all bottled up is neither helpful to getting out of that cycle nor
healthy for your overall wellbeing. Grab yourself a notebook, a journal, a
diary, a bit of paper, whatever, and just start writing down how you feel. As
soon as you’ve done that, start thinking about what you could do in theory to
stop this from happening or to stop you from feeling like this.
Step 4) Get some
fresh air.
It’s underrated
and we all take it for granted, but really, getting out of your home and going
for a walk can be really beneficial. It gets you outside in the (hopefully)
sunshine and getting to see the whole of life as you walk around can be really
grounding and calming. Believe me, if you’re stuck inside mulling over on the
bad things of your life, grab a pair of sneakers and go for a walk. Plus, it’s
free. Can’t say better than that, can you?
Step 5) Get some
exercise.
This is
practically a Part II of the previous step, but as someone who used to look at
the gym as something people did when they were feeling particularly
masochistic, I can actually say I enjoy it now. You don’t even have to
subscribe to a fancy gym—go for a run around the block with your headphones in
or lift some heavy boxes to build up muscle tone.
Step 6) Treat
yourself.
Hating your life
can be exhausting, and I mean that literally. It drains the energy from you
until all you want to do is lie in bed with a pint of ice cream and the last
five seasons of a TV show on Netflix. Therefore, a good thing to keep your
spirits up can be to treat yourself. Life is too short, after all, to deny
yourself some treats. Go see that movie that looks awesome in the cinema, grab
a gelato with a friend, paint your nails, whatever makes you happy, do it. You
deserve it.
Step 7) Cut out
those negative triggers.
Chances are that
if you hate life, something is setting off those triggers in your head. Until
you’re able to deal with them without turning all misanthropic, the best thing
might be just to get rid of all of those negative triggers. If you’re suffering
from what AllGroanUp refer to as “Obsessive Comparison Disorder” (i.e.
obsessively checking out the lifestyles of all your “successful” friends), then
stop using Facebook and Twitter as much. Social media can be a fantastic way to
connect, but it can be also be a toxic environment for neuroses and comparisons
to breed. Trust me, I know. If it sets you off, cut it out.
Step 8) Dance.
Yes, you can
dance. No, really, you can. It doesn’t matter if you’re not some breakdancing
dynamo or ballroom extraordinaire, everyone can dance. It’s programmed into the
human race, the ultimate expression of emotion. Dance like no one’s watching,
dance like you don’t care. Tap your feet, sway your hips, go as mad or as wild
as you want to your favorite songs. Nothing quite shakes the cobwebs off than
losing yourself in rhythm and dance to a song you love.
Step 9) Get
organized.
A great way to
start moving forward and looking at what you can change in your life to make it
better, is to get organized. Spend a weekend going through your home and
clearing the hell out of it. Get rid of the stuff you don’t need or don’t want
anymore and start to give everything a space. It doesn’t have to look like it’s
stepped off the pages of Good Housekeeping, but clearing a lot of space and
making sure that your home has a bit of harmony can do wonders for your mental
wellbeing.
Step 10) Pay it
forward.
Life is a mystery
and it can be a minefield to get through. Sometimes you stumble, sometimes you
fall. The important part is picking yourself back up and keeping walking
forward. Paying it forward is simply helping others. Charity is something that
is often thrown around as an accessory to human behavior—how many celebrities
have you read about who have done something heinous, but are defended by the phrase
“but [they] do charity work”?
Go volunteer. If
you think you’re at breaking point, go help other people. People in the world
out there will be going through the same things that you are going through and
while you might not run into someone who’s going through the exact same
circumstances, you will be helping people who need help. Helping out a soup
kitchen, or at a church bake sale, or at a homeless shelter or wherever needs
help, can make a huge difference to the lives of those individuals involved, and
believe me, it’ll do a hell of a lot for your state of mind.
St. Ignatius is one of the great bishops of the early
Church. He was the successor of St. Peter as Bishop of Antioch. He was
condemned to death by wild beasts during the Emperor Trajan's persecution. On
his way to Rome, he wrote seven magnificent letters, which we still have today,
concerning the Person of Christ, his love for Christ, his desire for martyrdom
and on the constitution of the Church and Christian life. His sentiments before
his approaching martyrdom are summed in his word in the Communion antiphon,
"I am the wheat of Christ, ground by the teeth of beasts to become pure
bread."
Exhortations to Faith and Love
Forgiving does not erase the bitter
past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we
cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past
into a hope for our future. Lewis B. Smedes
How to celebrate
International Forgive an Ex Day
If you want to celebrate
this holiday, then take the chance to talk to your ex to see how they are
doing. If you’re
not ready to speak with them, take the time to examine yourself and your
position in life. In the meanwhile, speak with a counselor about this path to
forgiveness and find advice from all sources, from friends and family to
professional help. Share this holiday with your friends and family on your
favorite social media websites using the hashtag #internationalforgiveanexday
and see if this holiday can help others share their experiences about their ex’s and help them forgive the past.Does Divorced mean EX Catholic?[5]
The
institution of marriage is in trouble today. The divorce rate is anywhere from
50 percent for first marriages to 80 percent for subsequent marriages. Perhaps,
as a result, more and more couples are choosing to live together without
bothering to get married.
The
Catholic Church’s response has been to get proactive about better preparing
engaged couples before they marry. The United States Conference of Catholic
Bishops’ (USCCB) National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage has made
strengthening Catholic marriages a top priority.
The
Church—the institution as well as the individuals—needs to minister to the
millions of divorced Catholics by both changing ingrained attitudes and
reaching out in love. Yes, the Church is and should be pro-marriage, but, like
its Lord, it must also love and support those whose marriages have failed. It’s
a fine line to walk, but it is necessary.
As
the survivor of divorce after 30 years of marriage, I know there needs to be a
healthier dialogue within the Catholic Church between those who have never
divorced (including our clergy) and those who have. Here are seven things you
may not know about divorce:
1.
Non-divorced
Catholics often come across as judgmental of the divorced. Perhaps they don’t
mean to. But there is a definite, although largely unconscious, attitude in the
Church that the divorced are less spiritual, less committed to marriage and/or
less forgiving than the long-term married. Non-divorced Catholics need to be
careful of assumptions, to discard any trace of judgment toward the divorced.
Since I have “been there, done that” when it comes to being judgmental, I can
address this issue personally. It is too easy for those who have never
experienced the desperation and sorrow of a failed marriage to believe that
“they could have done something to save it.” Let me assure you, the divorced
Catholics I know (including myself) are spiritual, forgiving people who are
committed to family and to the institution of marriage. And they did all they
could to save their marriages. It is time for all of us in the Church to stop
judging the divorced.
2.
Not
every marriage was ‘joined by God’ even if it took place in a church. This may
seem like a rationalization, but Jesus’ statement in Matthew 19:6 (“Therefore,
what God has joined together, no human being must separate”) does not apply to
all marriages. Many of us, looking back, realize that God was simply not a part
of our decision to marry. In my case, I never asked God, never gave God the
chance to stop my headlong (and headstrong) determination to get married. And
God was trying to get my attention. There were real problems. My intended was heading
to a war zone for a year, and friends and family counseled me to wait. But I
would not listen. We have all attended enough weddings to recall what the priest
or deacon always asks a couple at the beginning of the marriage ceremony: “Do
you come here freely and without reservation?” For most of us divorced
Catholics, the answer to that question, if we had been truthful, was “no.” How
can anyone claim that a particular marriage was “joined by God” if that was not
the intention of the parties getting married?
3.
The
divorced do not have to justify themselves. Even if a divorcing/divorced person
is very close to you, you do not know what really happened. Therefore, you
should refrain from making comments or asking prying questions. Perhaps we
divorced Catholics are overly sensitive, but certain statements and inquiries
are like rubbing salt into a very sore wound. I have been asked, “Did you try
counseling or Retrouvaille?” as though I would smack my head and say, “Gee, why
didn’t I think of that?” Yes, I tried everything I could think of. “Why can’t
you just forgive him?” is another gem, to which I answer that forgiveness is
not the same as a pardon. People have commented, “But you seemed like such a
happy couple.” That’s what we wanted you to think; that’s what we wanted to
believe. The bottom line is this: Such questions and comments just hurt, and
they are unfair. If a divorcing/divorced person does not want to confide in
you, do not prod him/her to tell you what happened. Just love that person. And
give him/her the benefit of the doubt that he/she tried everything to make the
marriage work. There are a variety of reasons why marriages fail. The “big
three” most of us think of are adultery, addiction and abuse, but the real
reason behind most failed marriages is simple indifference, often on the part
of one spouse. There is no way a husband or wife can save a marriage
single-handedly. When a marriage fails, no amount of effort, enabling or
denial will save it. It is wrong to ask for details before you support your
divorced friend, family member or parishioner. People should not have to
justify their actions before they are loved for who they are.
4.
Divorce
has changed my life for the better. Many other divorced Catholics can say the
same. Divorce has released me spiritually, mentally and emotionally to become
the person God created me to be. I have been able to move on to a life that is
fuller, happier and more creative. The most important change is this: My
relationship with God is better today than it ever has been. When I was freed
from an impossible, dysfunctional marriage, my relationship with God blossomed.
I had some initial worries about my spiritual status when I began the process,
but God quickly reassured and comforted me as I went through and beyond my
divorce. The psychological counseling and spiritual direction I received during
my divorce made me a healthier person than I ever was before. I have worked
through the deep problems caused by my dysfunctional childhood. I have faced
and forgiven everyone who helped shape my early years in negative ways. And I
understand and embrace my individuality. Yes, divorce was a painful passage to
go through, but I am a better person today because of it.
5.
I
don’t need to marry again to be happy. I get a lot of comments, concern and
advice about finding someone when people learn I have been divorced for eight
years. I really am happy as a single person, and not at all lonely or bitter
about the past because I choose to remain single. I understood right from the
beginning of my new life as a single person that, in order to be happy in a new
relationship, I would have to be happy just being me and being single. My
attitude now is, “If it happens, it happens.” In the meantime, please accept
that I am fine as a single person. And for goodness’ sake: Don’t try to fix me
up with anyone!
6.
I
hope my divorce makes you question assumptions about your marriage. Does that
shock you? It shouldn’t. It means that I love you and I love the institution of
marriage. But healthy marriages don’t just happen. I was sure my marriage would
never end. At the same time, I was unaware of what makes a healthy marriage and
very much in denial about our problems. My marital problems went a lot deeper
than most, but every marriage needs constant care. And every marriage can use a
tune-up now and then: a few counseling sessions, a Marriage Encounter weekend
or a retreat together. Marriage takes a lot of work. I am delighted when
friends and co-workers tell me that watching what I went through eight years
ago or hearing me talk now about my divorce compelled them to take a second
look at their own marriages, strengthen what was weak and recommit themselves
to the relationship. The divorced have a great deal to teach the married about
what a good, healthy and Christian marriage really is.
7.
Every
marriage ends. The marriage covenant ends when this life ends. Jesus tells us
in Luke 20:34-35 that there is no marriage in heaven. Marriage is an earthly
institution with a heavenly purpose. Marriage is a training ground wherein we
cosmic youngsters learn about the love that has existed from all eternity
within the Holy Trinity. Its purpose is to train us to give up our selfish
tendencies, to care for another as we would care for ourselves, to take our
place in the Kingdom of God. Marriage is a foreshadowing of our eternal
relationship with God and with one another. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but
it is not a forever thing. Knowing and remembering that should deepen not only
the relationship with your earthly spouse, but also your love for your heavenly
spouse, Jesus. As a divorced Catholic, I have taken great comfort from the
story of Jesus’ encounter with the woman of Samaria at Jacob’s well (John
4:4-42). This poor woman had been married five times and was now living with
yet another man. That’s a lot of failed relationships—even by today’s
standards! Jesus’ tenderness toward her and his sympathy for her situation are
apparent. Did he deliberately go to that spot at that unlikely time of day
because he knew she would be drawing water then? Did he send the disciples away
to get lunch in the town, so he could talk to her alone? I don’t doubt it. Jesus
never spoke to this woman or any other hurting person in ways that increased
their pain. He offered this divorcée “living water,” himself, which was what
she had been searching for in all her relationships. It is time for the rest of
the Catholic Church to do the same.
Divorce and the Catholic Church
·
The
first thing Catholics should know is that divorce is not a sin that should
keep a divorced Catholic from receiving the sacraments. A divorced or separated
person is not excommunicated and is still a Catholic in good standing. The only
reason for excommunication after divorce is remarriage without going through
the annulment process.
·
Before
a divorced person can remarry in the Catholic Church, he or she must obtain an
annulment by a Catholic diocesan tribunal. Obtaining such a decree does not
mean that the marriage never took place; it is a determination that a sacramental
marriage did not take place.
·
This
does not mean that the children of that marriage are illegitimate or that the
couple was “living in sin.” It means that, in that particular case, the
marrying couple had little or no idea what Christian marriage was all about or
that there were deep problems from the beginning of the marriage, either in the
couple’s relationship or in their families of origin.
·
Therefore,
the Church may determine that it was impossible then for the couple to enter
into a truly Christian marriage. Divorced Catholics who are seeking an
annulment should talk to their pastors, who will direct them to the proper
contacts at their diocese.
The
annulment process can give divorced Catholics three gifts:
CLARITY, by helping them see the
why’s and how’s of their failed marriage in a new light.
HEALING, by allowing them to work
through their anger and guilt and come through to a better place spiritually
and emotionally.
TIME, by forcing the divorced
person to wait before making any more relationship decisions.
Recently
divorced people are especially vulnerable to needing companionship, support and
sympathy. The first person of the opposite sex who provides that is going to be
very attractive, but the newly divorced person does not need that kind of complication
in the healing process. The newly divorced person needs breathing room after a
marriage ends.
The
dismal divorce statistics after second and third marriages are proof that too
many divorced people simply don’t wait long enough to recover completely.
Taking part in the Catholic Church’s annulment process is one way to ensure
that a good healing process has begun. If a divorced Catholic does meet someone
he or she might want to marry, that person will not only have better tools for
discerning whether this is a good relationship but will also have the Church’s
blessing on a second marriage.
Moses chose to go out with his own people, rather than
remain in the nation where he was born. That’s because “He considered the
reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was
looking to the reward. By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of
the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible” (Heb 11:26-27). It was
a display of faith when Moses “kept the Passover and sprinkled the blood, so
that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them” (Heb 11:28). That’s
testimony against instant gratification and seeking eternal or permanent joy by
being with God (Rev 21:3; 22:4).
Daily Devotions
[3]http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/calendar/day.cfm?date=2016-10-17
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