Romans,
Chapter 5,
Verse 3-5
3 Not only that, but we even boast
of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, 4
and endurance, proven
character, and proven character, hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been
poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.
Paul is telling us that Christ has
brought God’s love for us to the forefront while justification and
righteousness recede to the background. We have a new life at peace with God.
This peace leads us to confidence and compels us to live a new life. Christ
died for us while we were at our worst. As difficult to believe or accept as
that might be, we have the proof of it in our hearts where God’s love has
placed the Holy Spirit to guide us in the new life. Faith triumphs in trouble.[1]
St. Ignatius is one of the great bishops of the early
Church. He was the successor of St. Peter as Bishop of Antioch. He was condemned
to death by wild beasts during the Emperor Trajan's persecution. On his way to
Rome, he wrote seven magnificent letters, which we still have today, concerning
the Person of Christ, his love for Christ, his desire for martyrdom and on the
constitution of the Church and Christian life. His sentiments before his
approaching martyrdom are summed in his word in the Communion antiphon, "I
am the wheat of Christ, ground by the teeth of beasts to become pure
bread."
Exhortations to Faith and Love
The love between husband and wife is a love
sanctified, enriched and illuminated by the grace of the sacrament of marriage.
It is an “affective union”, spiritual and sacrificial, which combines the
warmth of friendship and erotic passion, and endures long after emotions and passion
subsides. Infused by the Holy Spirit, this powerful love is a reflection of the
unbroken covenant between Christ and humanity that culminated in his
self-sacrifice on the cross. “The Spirit which the Lord pours forth gives a new
heart and renders man and woman capable of loving one another as Christ loved
us. Conjugal love reaches that fullness to which it is interiorly ordained:
conjugal charity.” Marriage is a precious sign, for “when a man and a woman
celebrate the sacrament of marriage, God is, as it were, ‘mirrored’ in them; he
impresses in them his own features and the indelible character of his love.
Marriage is the icon of God’s love for us. Indeed, God is also communion: the
three Persons of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit live eternally in
perfect unity. And this is precisely the mystery of marriage: God makes of the
two spouses one single existence”. This has concrete daily consequences,
because the spouses, “in virtue of the sacrament, are invested with a true and
proper mission, so that, starting with the simple ordinary things of life they
can make visible the love with which Christ loves his Church and continues to
give his life for her”.
Forgiving does not erase the bitter
past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we
cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past
into a hope for our future. Lewis B. Smedes
How to celebrate
International Forgive an Ex Day
If you want to celebrate
this holiday, then take the chance to talk to your ex to see how they are
doing. If you’re
not ready to speak with them, take the time to examine yourself and your
position in life. In the meanwhile, speak with a counselor about this path to
forgiveness and find advice from all sources, from friends and family to
professional help. Share this holiday with your friends and family on your
favorite social media websites using the hashtag #internationalforgiveanexday
and see if this holiday can help others share their experiences about their ex’s and help them forgive the past.Does Divorced mean EX Catholic?[5]
The
institution of marriage is in trouble today. The divorce rate is anywhere from
50 percent for first marriages to 80 percent for subsequent marriages. Perhaps,
as a result, more and more couples are choosing to live together without
bothering to get married.
The
Catholic Church’s response has been to get proactive about better preparing
engaged couples before they marry. The United States Conference of Catholic
Bishops’ (USCCB) National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage has made
strengthening Catholic marriages a top priority.
The
Church—the institution as well as the individuals—needs to minister to the
millions of divorced Catholics by both changing ingrained attitudes and
reaching out in love. Yes, the Church is and should be pro-marriage, but, like
its Lord, it must also love and support those whose marriages have failed. It’s
a fine line to walk, but it is necessary.
As the
survivor of divorce after 30 years of marriage, I know there needs to be a
healthier dialogue within the Catholic Church between those who have never
divorced (including our clergy) and those who have. Here are seven things you
may not know about divorce:
1.
Non-divorced
Catholics often come across as judgmental of the divorced. Perhaps they don’t
mean to. But there is a definite, although largely unconscious, attitude in the
Church that the divorced are less spiritual, less committed to marriage and/or
less forgiving than the long-term married. Non-divorced Catholics need to be
careful of assumptions, to discard any trace of judgment toward the divorced.
Since I have “been there, done that” when it comes to being judgmental, I can
address this issue personally. It is too easy for those who have never
experienced the desperation and sorrow of a failed marriage to believe that “they
could have done something to save it.” Let me assure you, the divorced
Catholics I know (including myself) are spiritual, forgiving people who are
committed to family and to the institution of marriage. And they did all they
could to save their marriages. It is time for all of us in the Church to stop
judging the divorced.
2.
Not
every marriage was ‘joined by God’ even if it took place in a church. This may
seem like a rationalization, but Jesus’ statement in Matthew 19:6 (“Therefore,
what God has joined together, no human being must separate”) does not apply to
all marriages. Many of us, looking back, realize that God was simply not a part
of our decision to marry. In my case, I never asked God, never gave God the
chance to stop my headlong (and headstrong) determination to get married. And
God was trying to get my attention. There were real problems. My intended was
heading to a war zone for a year, and friends and family counseled me to wait.
But I would not listen. We have all attended enough weddings to recall what the
priest or deacon always asks a couple at the beginning of the marriage
ceremony: “Do you come here freely and without reservation?” For most of us
divorced Catholics, the answer to that question, if we had been truthful, was
“no.” How can anyone claim that a particular marriage was “joined by God” if
that was not the intention of the parties getting married?
3.
The
divorced do not have to justify themselves. Even if a divorcing/divorced person
is very close to you, you do not know what really happened. Therefore, you
should refrain from making comments or asking prying questions. Perhaps we
divorced Catholics are overly sensitive, but certain statements and inquiries
are like rubbing salt into a very sore wound. I have been asked, “Did you try
counseling or Retrouvaille?” as though I would smack my head and say, “Gee, why
didn’t I think of that?” Yes, I tried everything I could think of. “Why can’t
you just forgive him?” is another gem, to which I answer that forgiveness is
not the same as a pardon. People have commented, “But you seemed like such a
happy couple.” That’s what we wanted you to think; that’s what we wanted to
believe. The bottom line is this: Such questions and comments just hurt, and
they are unfair. If a divorcing/divorced person does not want to confide in
you, do not prod him/her to tell you what happened. Just love that person. And
give him/her the benefit of the doubt that he/she tried everything to make the
marriage work. There are a variety of reasons why marriages fail. The “big
three” most of us think of are adultery, addiction and abuse, but the real
reason behind most failed marriages is simple indifference, often on the part
of one spouse. There is no way a husband or wife can save a marriage
single-handedly. When a marriage fails, no amount of effort, enabling or
denial will save it. It is wrong to ask for details before you support your
divorced friend, family member or parishioner. People should not have to
justify their actions before they are loved for who they are.
4.
Divorce
has changed my life for the better. Many other divorced Catholics can say the
same. Divorce has released me spiritually, mentally and emotionally to become
the person God created me to be. I have been able to move on to a life that is
fuller, happier and more creative. The most important change is this: My
relationship with God is better today than it ever has been. When I was freed
from an impossible, dysfunctional marriage, my relationship with God blossomed.
I had some initial worries about my spiritual status when I began the process,
but God quickly reassured and comforted me as I went through and beyond my
divorce. The psychological counseling and spiritual direction I received during
my divorce made me a healthier person than I ever was before. I have worked
through the deep problems caused by my dysfunctional childhood. I have faced
and forgiven everyone who helped shape my early years in negative ways. And I
understand and embrace my individuality. Yes, divorce was a painful passage to
go through, but I am a better person today because of it.
5.
I
don’t need to marry again to be happy. I get a lot of comments, concern and
advice about finding someone when people learn I have been divorced for eight
years. I really am happy as a single person, and not at all lonely or bitter
about the past because I choose to remain single. I understood right from the
beginning of my new life as a single person that, in order to be happy in a new
relationship, I would have to be happy just being me and being single. My
attitude now is, “If it happens, it happens.” In the meantime, please accept
that I am fine as a single person. And for goodness’ sake: Don’t try to fix me up
with anyone!
6.
I
hope my divorce makes you question assumptions about your marriage. Does that
shock you? It shouldn’t. It means that I love you and I love the institution of
marriage. But healthy marriages don’t just happen. I was sure my marriage would
never end. At the same time, I was unaware of what makes a healthy marriage and
very much in denial about our problems. My marital problems went a lot deeper
than most, but every marriage needs constant care. And every marriage can use a
tune-up now and then: a few counseling sessions, a Marriage Encounter weekend
or a retreat together. Marriage takes a lot of work. I am delighted when
friends and co-workers tell me that watching what I went through eight years
ago or hearing me talk now about my divorce compelled them to take a second
look at their own marriages, strengthen what was weak and recommit themselves
to the relationship. The divorced have a great deal to teach the married about
what a good, healthy and Christian marriage really is.
7.
Every
marriage ends. The marriage covenant ends when this life ends. Jesus tells us
in Luke 20:34-35 that there is no marriage in heaven. Marriage is an earthly
institution with a heavenly purpose. Marriage is a training ground wherein we
cosmic youngsters learn about the love that has existed from all eternity
within the Holy Trinity. Its purpose is to train us to give up our selfish
tendencies, to care for another as we would care for ourselves, to take our
place in the Kingdom of God. Marriage is a foreshadowing of our eternal
relationship with God and with one another. Marriage is a wonderful thing, but
it is not a forever thing. Knowing and remembering that should deepen not only
the relationship with your earthly spouse, but also your love for your heavenly
spouse, Jesus. As a divorced Catholic, I have taken great comfort from the
story of Jesus’ encounter with the woman of Samaria at Jacob’s well (John
4:4-42). This poor woman had been married five times and was now living with
yet another man. That’s a lot of failed relationships—even by today’s
standards! Jesus’ tenderness toward her and his sympathy for her situation are
apparent. Did he deliberately go to that spot at that unlikely time of day
because he knew she would be drawing water then? Did he send the disciples away
to get lunch in the town, so he could talk to her alone? I don’t doubt it. Jesus
never spoke to this woman or any other hurting person in ways that increased
their pain. He offered this divorcée “living water,” himself, which was what
she had been searching for in all her relationships. It is time for the rest of
the Catholic Church to do the same.
Divorce and the Catholic Church
·
The
first thing Catholics should know is that divorce is not a sin that should
keep a divorced Catholic from receiving the sacraments. A divorced or separated
person is not excommunicated and is still a Catholic in good standing. The only
reason for excommunication after divorce is remarriage without going through
the annulment process.
·
Before
a divorced person can remarry in the Catholic Church, he or she must obtain an
annulment by a Catholic diocesan tribunal. Obtaining such a decree does not
mean that the marriage never took place; it is a determination that a
sacramental marriage did not take place.
·
This
does not mean that the children of that marriage are illegitimate or that the
couple was “living in sin.” It means that, in that particular case, the
marrying couple had little or no idea what Christian marriage was all about or
that there were deep problems from the beginning of the marriage, either in the
couple’s relationship or in their families of origin.
·
Therefore,
the Church may determine that it was impossible then for the couple to enter
into a truly Christian marriage. Divorced Catholics who are seeking an
annulment should talk to their pastors, who will direct them to the proper
contacts at their diocese.
The
annulment process can give divorced Catholics three gifts:
CLARITY, by helping them see the
why’s and how’s of their failed marriage in a new light.
HEALING, by allowing them to work
through their anger and guilt and come through to a better place spiritually
and emotionally.
TIME, by forcing the divorced
person to wait before making any more relationship decisions.
Recently
divorced people are especially vulnerable to needing companionship, support and
sympathy. The first person of the opposite sex who provides that is going to be
very attractive, but the newly divorced person does not need that kind of
complication in the healing process. The newly divorced person needs breathing
room after a marriage ends.
The dismal
divorce statistics after second and third marriages are proof that too many
divorced people simply don’t wait long enough to recover completely. Taking
part in the Catholic Church’s annulment process is one way to ensure that a
good healing process has begun. If a divorced Catholic does meet someone he or
she might want to marry, that person will not only have better tools for
discerning whether this is a good relationship but will also have the Church’s
blessing on a second marriage.
"Read
these counsels slowly. Pause to meditate on these thoughts. They are things
that I whisper in your ear-confiding them-as a friend, as a brother, as a
father. And they are being heard by God. I won't tell you anything new. I will
only stir your memory, so that some thought will arise and strike you; and so
you will better your life and set out along ways of prayer and of Love. And in
the end you will be a more worthy soul."
8.
I
had to smile at the impatience of your prayer. You were telling him: 'I don't
want to grow old, Jesus... To have to wait so long to see you! Then, perhaps I
won't have a heart as inflamed as mine is now. "Then" seems too late.
Now, my union would be more ardent for I love you now with the pure Love of
youth.'
Daily Devotions
[2]http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/calendar/day.cfm?date=2016-10-17
[3] Pope Francis, Encyclical on Love.
[6]http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way-point-1.htm
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